iamaneviltaco

Time for some authentic tacos. The stuff we call a taco here, while yummy as hell, is so far from the real deal it's like using ketchup on spaghetti and calling it italian. The ingredients for this are moderately low priced, but can feed an army for what you spend and last forever. Also, since it's an assembly line, you can fire off dozens of these for a big party with no issues.

ingredients
my chorizo
coarse chopped cilantro
diced tomatoes
diced red onion
small soft taco shells
grated hard, bitter cheese like parmesan or asadero, must be fresh and not pre-grated.

The equation here is simple. first, one round tblsp of chorizo as a mound in the middle of the shell. Then, 1 tsp of cilantro. 1 tsp of the shredded cheese. Top it off with a tsp of combined chopped onion and tomato.

Authentic mexican uses cilantro like we use lettuce. Lettuce is more expensive there, because of poor growing conditions. Also, I have, in my travels, NEVER seen cheddar on a taco in mexico. Even jack is cut down heavily with a firm bitter cheese, since jack needs to be refrigerated and the firm cheeses can be stored on a shelf for a lot longer than jack can be kept, even cold.

This came up at random on my forum, so I figured I'd make a little post about it. I grew up in New York. We, arguably, have the best delis on the planet. An argument could probably be made about the nouveau delis that are emerging nationwide, but I find the experience of eating at an authentic jewish style ny deli to be one of the most unique culinary experiences you can have while not breaking the bank. The hallmarks of this style of deli are high quality meats and cheeses on enormous sandwiches. for a decently low price. To be sure the deli you're at is authentic, here are a few things to look for.

-Halva

It's a type of mediterranean candy that's usually vaguely hard to find outside of traditional delis and the occasional grocery store. Rather tasty, and with a totally unique texture.

-Nova Lox

Screw smoked salmon. I know that's technically what it is, but a real deli will call it by it's traditional name. A bagel with lox and cream cheese is a new york classic, and a deli that calls it what it is will most likely make it better than other places. Nova, in particular, is higher quality than most of the traditional smoked salmon you can find at lower quality delis. Bonus points if they cut their own.

-Reubens/Rachels

A real classic deli will pride themselves on this sandwich. Either corned beef or pastrami, swiss cheese, thousand island dressing, and either sauerkraut (reuben) or cole slaw (rachel) on rye bread. The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts, and a real quality deli will make this sandwich better than anywhere else, and brag about it. I'm a firm believer that every style of food has a hallmark that you can use to guage the quality of the rest of the food. chinese have their dumplings, indian has it's curry, italian has it's marinara. You can always trust that if these are done well, the rest of the food will be as well.

-Sassy Counter Help


I don't know what it is, but I find if the people behind the counter are sassy and not afraid to mess with the customers, the food as a rule is usually better. Especially for this type of deli, there's a certain type of attitude that you expect from the people behind the bar. Part of the full experience of a ny style deli is going in, being confused as hell about what to order, and giving/getting a decent ribbing from the people behind the counter. Sassy staff builds a stronger rapport, in my opinion, and if the staff isn't afraid to mess with the customers it brings the feel of the ny deli to life.

-Tongue

Bear with me on this. You don't have to eat it, but a good deli *always* offers grilled beef tongue. It's a hallmark of the genre of cuisine. I've personally never eaten it, but I've never eaten at a deli that carried it and not thoroughly enjoyed the food.

That's basically it. If you find a deli that contains most of these traits, chances are you're at a pretty good deli. If you manage to luck into finding all of them, frequent the hell out of that place. The classic deli is starting to be replaced by some of the more modernized nouveau delis, and while they are a decent experience at times, the traditional deli is a slice of americana that's in real danger of going extinct.

This is supposed to be gourmet, but the recipe is so very easy that I'd be slacking if I didn't share. This tastes MUCH better with home made bread crumbs, and is far cheaper, but in a pinch italian style bread crumbs will suffice. This is a very easy recipe, and a sure-fire date pleaser. I'll give you the recipe for just 1 piece of this tasty as hell main dish, and multiply it as necessary. This is one of my signature dishes. Sub 1/8 cup chopped broccoli flourettes for the ham and you have chicken kiev.

ingredients:

Bread crumbs (1/4 cup should be more than enough)
Eggs (1, scrambled)
1 boneless skinless chicken breast
about 1/8 cup swiss cheese
2-3 pieces of thin sliced deli ham
some tooth picks

So, grab a hammer. I love starting recipes this way. Then, grab a book. A big, heavy book. In a pinch, a baking sheet will do, but I enjoy beating the piss out of war and peace to make yummy food. Take the chicken breast, and put it between 2 big pieces of plastic wrap. Put the book on top of the wrapped chicken, and beat the hell out of the book. I suggest "The DaVinci Code" because I personally think everyone should beat Dan Brown to death with a hammer. Do this until the chicken is very flat.

Preheat your oven to 450.

Take your (now beaten to death) chicken, and put the swiss cheese in the middle of it, leaving a quarter of an inch to any edge. Put the ham in the middle of the cheese, leaving a tiny bit of space, so when you roll this monster of a meat log the ham is surrounded by cheese. fold it in half, and pierce it with the toothpicks along the outer edge, so you do not leave very much of a gap. I personally go through at least 15 toothpicks to seal one wrap. Heat up some oil, the type is unimportant, in a skillet. Medium heat. Dip the whole unit in the egg, making sure to cover every inch. Then, dunk the whole thing in the bread crumbs on a flat plate. COVER EVERY SQUARE INCH. Drop this in the oil and fry for about 5 minutes per side, until the crumbs begin to brown and stick fully to the chicken.  By now, your oven should be heated. Throw the concoction on a baking sheet, and bake for 10 minutes a side. When the cheese begins to ooze, you know the food is just about done. The crumbs should be a beautiful golden brown, and the entire unit should be solid.

To serve, pull out the tooth picks. The dish will hold it's shape. Serve it toothpick side down. Suggested side dishes are either fettucini alfredo, or steamed mixed vegetables. A bechamel roux, using beef stock rather than milk, tossed with rice, is also a great idea.

This one is vaguely time consuming, but the prep is easy as hell and most of the time is bake time. I make this for myself as a snack.

This dish is hoity-toity enough to have an entire style of cooking named after it. It's simple, but amazingly tasty and impressive. French cuisine at it's finest. FYI, for the record, ham first and cheese second imparts a very dull flavor. Look it up online and you'll see countless examples of this. In my mind it's a culinary abortion. Separate the meats and let the cheese blend the flavors of the chicken and ham. The pic I provided is an example of a WRONG cordon bleu. Cheese holds flavor better than meat, as a rule. It'll take in the oils and carry the unique flavors of both meats. It's the binding agent in this dish.

Always a crowd pleaser. Everyone has their own pasta salad recipe, and everyone will always argue that theirs is the best. I don't really make any claims that mine is the absolute best in the world, but I will say that it's tastier than most I've encountered. This is a bit more of an advanced recipe, and takes some time. You're probably looking at a half hour or so, all totalled.

To start, we're going to do a variation of my pesto. What you're gonna do is take out 1/4 cup basil, add 1/4 cup spinach, and about 1/4 cup of sun dried tomatoes, 1/8 cup parmesan cheese, 1 tblsp of lemon juice. Blend it as normal, mixing in all of the ingredients at the very beginning, except the lemon juice which you add at the end. This is my version of a spinach tomato pesto alla genovese. It's rather authentic, except that I don't use fresh grated parmesan.

Next, we're going to move on to my chicken. This can be prepared beforehand and refridgerated, if you don't feel like doing all of this at once. In fact, baking it, chopping it down, drizzling about 1 tsp of olive oil over it, putting it in a bag, and shaking it every once and a while will make the chicken more flavorful.

Ingredients:
2 chicken breasts, boneless/skinless
basil, rosemary, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, all in equal portions
a light oil. olive, canola, or vegetable work well.

Basically what you're going to want to do is brush the chicken with the oil, dust it lightly with the herb mixture and bake it at 450 degrees for about 8-10 minutes a side. Flip once during cooking, and when it appears done, cut it open at the thickest part to make sure it's not still pink in the middle.

Cut it into cubes and put it to the side.

Salad ingredients:
~1 cup spinach tomato pesto alla genovese
the listed recipe for chicken
4 cups bowtie pasta
1 cup broccoli flourettes
2 cups cherry tomatoes/grape tomatoes (your choice)

Boil the broccoli very lightly. You want to take away some of the firmness but not fully cook it. Maybe 3 minutes. Finish boiling the pasta, strain, and run cold water over it to halt the cooking process. Combine the pesto, tomatoes, broccoli, and chicken. You want the pesto to coat evenly but not be too thick and overpowering. It tastes good warm or cold, but is traditionally served cold.

The process by which you want to prepare this dish is as follows: preheat oven, start water. make pesto. bake chicken, start pasta half way through chicken. start broccoli. take out chicken, stop broccoli. cut chicken, strain pasta, mix. eat. love.

This one is almost criminally simple.

1 cup fresh basil
1/4 cup pine nuts
About 2 cloves of garlic, to taste
2 tblsp olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste

Mix everything but the olive oil into a food processor and chop finely. Add the olive oil, mix. Done.

Pesto makes a great salad dressing, it's awesome on spaghetti, it makes a great chicken marinade, you can use it instead of sauce on a pizza, and if you put it in pasta sauce it makes the sauce taste even better.

A good variation on this is add about 1/8 of a cup of parmesan cheese, and a tblsp of lemon juice.

Let's get mexican for a minute. Before you cry "stupid taco, this recipe isn't authentic" I'll point out my only rule of cooking. Modify *every* recipe to fit your tastes. Sometimes authentic simply isn't as good as something you mod to fit your needs. Always experiment, and never take a recipe as gospel. I've had dozens of variations of chorizo during my travels in mexico, and none of them contained the same ingredients, so think outside of the box. This one is my personal favorite. Again, this is a "no deep secret" recipe.

Ingredients:
1 lb ground pork
1 lb ground beef
1 tblsp paprika, cayenne pepper, chipotle pepper, chili powder
1 tsp fennel, crushed red pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, allspice

this one is rather easy. Mix all of the ingredients, by hand. make sure it's fully distributed. Leave in the fridge for a day to let the flavor soak. You can either buy sausage skins and stuff it yourself. It's rather easy, just fill up a 5-6 inch section, twist it in the skin about 8 times, then tie it off and cut it. Otherwise? Break it apart in a frying pan as you brown the meat. The 2 meats are essential, for depth of flavor. As always, experiment with the spices to find your perfect mix.

This is a guest post. My buddy Mousetrap has graciously decided to offer his insight into this style of cooking, so you'll be hearing from him from time to time. This, personally, is a FANTASTIC tip. A panini press is grossly expensive for no good reason, and this tip gets the same effect (if missing the stupid scoremarks that nobody really cares about anyway) for basically free.


A panini is a grilled and pressed sandwich, and one doesn't need expensive equipment to make them, nor does it take much longer than throwing a sandwich together. It occurs to me that some of you have never had this wonderful Italian invention. This is unacceptable.

A few words on how to build your sandwich before we discuss the cooking method. First and most important is the bread. The sandwich is going to take a bit of punishment, so we want something crusty, something that you can cut a little thicker than normal. Most of all, though, we want something fresh. This is key, because factory breads do not work well for this. They are eighty percent(or more) puffed air, making them a bit too flimsy for the punishment they need to go through. Fresh Italian, french, or Ciabatta is best. With the exception of the ciabatta, which was probably invented for this sole purpose, you may want to slice the bread as much as an inch thick. Second, make sure that any oily ingredients you have, such as cheese or pepperoni, are shielded from the bread by something else. With the pressure we're going to be putting it through, there's a chance that the oil will leak out or through. it won't affect the flavor per se, but it'll take longer to cook. Third and last. Try to be even with the sandwich. if you use vegetables, be sure they're sliced thin. Build an even sandwich so when it's pressed down, it cooks evenly.

Alright. Now to the cooking method. Go get a brick.

Wait! No! Keep reading, I'm serious! Get a brick, and ensure it's clean and dry. Wrap it in a double layer of aluminum foil. Pre-heat a skillet on your stovetop on medium heat. Place the sandwich evenly on the skillet, then put the brick on top of the sandwich. Cooking time will vary but probably won't be more than a few minutes a side. Now since we don't have an expensive sandwich press, you'll have to do one of two things. Preheat the brick in your oven, or flip the sandwich midway. Personally I recommend the second method.

"Mousetrap," you're saying. "I'm not cooking with masonry." Well, stop talking, because I can't actually hear you. What you should do is get a cheap aluminum pie plate. The best way to do this is to buy a pie, enjoy the pie, then keep the plate around after it's gone. Fill the pie plate with something heavy such as stones or rice, and use that to press your sandwich down. I warn you, the sandwich won't be as thin as it would if you were to use the afforementioned brick method.

This sample recipe is one I use constantly. It's a cheap version of the classic "Italian" sandwich. The traditional trio of meats is cappicola, pepperoni, and proscuitto. I don't have the money to eat these things as often as I want. I make due with salami, pepperoni, and deli-sliced ham. First slice your italian bread three quarters of an inch thick or so. Cutting with a slight diagonal bias will help you in the long run. Place a thin layer of ham down first, just enough to give a taste to the sandwich. Next, fold slices of sandwich pepperoni in half and arrange as a layer. Top with provolone cheese. Be careful not to go overboard on this, one slice of provolone, cut into halves, is probably more than enough for you. Fold salami in the same way, and layer it on top of that. Spread a thin layer of italian dressing, to taste. This is the step where you would add such things like lettuce. You're welcome to try, but personally I never have. I never felt that it needed it. The sandwich is done when it's golden brown, and the cheese just begins to leak out of the sandwich. look for little beads of provolone around the edge.

Experiment and find what you enjoy best out of your sandwich. there's millions of ways to make a panini. You may have to slice or shred some ingredients if they prove too thick. Also, try using fresh herbs or spices to add flavor instead of loading it with sauce. The less that leaks out of your sandwich, the better.


An addendum to this, which me and the Mousetrap discussed to some length, is this: It's a generally accepted fact that brushing the bread with a bit of either mayo (less good) or egg white (preferable) before cooking leads to a crisper sandwich. He's never tried it, and I've only used the egg white method to shore up my garlic bread, but like I said it's a generally accepted fact. Take it as you will.

For the pedants out there, his italian panini is called a BMT, and personally I find the depth of flavor to be surprising, since the sandwich doesn't have to rely on all spicy meats and the ham is a good equalizer. If you really want the extra heat of a full italian sandwich, toss a tiny bit of roasted red peppers on it, layered with the cheese. Most of the flavor from proscuitto comes from red peppers, so it'll have the same bite but with a bit of extra texture. Pound for pound, the peppers are also far cheaper and you'll get more interesting uses out of them.

I felt this needed to be posted. Make it yourself and you're buying less random shit at the store. This uses common ingredients, and all you really need is a fork to combine them.

3 egg yolks
3 tblsp milk
1 cup oil (canola or preferrably sesame. It's not an infused oil so you'll have to actually buy a bottle of it, but I think it tastes better and it's nice for the asian food we'll get into later.)

Combine the ingredients together with a whisk. Whisk thoroughly, until fully mixed. The process is called emulsification, and is used to suspend 2 dense liquids in a combined state. If you've ever seen the phrase "lecithin: an emulsifier" on a label, and wondered what it was, this is the process they're talking about and it's chemically done. Ew.

This is like a 5 minute job, but learning it will enable you to make custards and damn good omelettes. After the ingredients have emulsified, you'll want to season your mayo. I add 2 shakes of paprika (paprika almost always tastes good with eggs) and 1/2 tsp dijon mustard. 1 shake paprika and 1 shake chili powder works too. If you like it a bit spicy, use 2 of each.


It keeps for about 5 days in the fridge. Stir it before you use it, to continue the emulsification process. This is probably a stupid recipe to post, but it's cool to know if you didn't already.

Rachel Ray is the worst thing to happen to my style of cooking.

I will, for the record, admit that I repeat a lot of herbs in some of my cooking. We're working on a budget, and I'd rather reuse a few ingredients and teach you to work around common herbs, rather than making you buy wierd shit every time I post a recipe. Some of mine call for a special purchase, but stuff like chicken broth will cost you a dollar so I don't mind suggesting it for a dish, and worse comes to worst you can use boullion. Rachel Ray is a different breed of creature, and she casts a bad light on every chef trying to do the "quick and simple" cooking style.

First off, her 30 minute meals don't take 30 minutes. She neglects to mention prep. My meals, when I don't warn that they're time consuming, take 20 minutes or less. My cream sauces can be cooked while boiling the water and cooking the pasta. Her dishes can take over an hour considering the chop time, and she uses creative cuts to hide the prep and long cook times for her meals. As well, some of the things she suggests (chicken comes to mind), if cooked as long as she says, will guarantee you a significant risk of salmonella poisoning. She doesn't teach touch done-ness (I'll get into that) or tell anyone to cut open the meat to make sure it's well cooked. ALWAYS DO THIS IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE TOUCH SCALE FOR MEAT DONENESS.

Secondly, her recipes are ill-inspired and nasty looking. She over-seasons, and she has no flair for plating. She throws fresh basil around like it's candy. I don't know about you, but when I'm cooking quick and on a budget, destroying my dishes with a big pile of fresh basil is the last thing on my mind. Also, we feast with our eyes first, our noses second, and our mouths actually take a back seat to the rest of the senses. What makes a gourmet restaurant exactly that is the fact that they know a beautiful, artfully created dish tastes better by default than the same dish made with no taste for aesthetics. There's a reason the 5 star restaurants use small dots of sauce to accent the plate, and build it like a sculpture. If it looks like art, it makes you subconsciously taste it as such.

Third: She has terrible kitchen hygeine. She'll use the same (unwashed) utensils to place and flip raw chicken as it cooks. Combine that with her lack of ability to teach people to guage meat doneness or cut open the meat to make sure it's safe, and she's a goddamn menace. Cook like her, and you'll get people sick. As a professional cook, I cannot abide her unprofessional demeanor when it comes to cross-contamination. It's simply inexcusable.

Fourth: If you admit to no professional training and say you burn toast, why the hell should people listen to your recipes? The fact that she admits to being a mediocre cook is simply inexcusable. I've been in the industry for 12+ years, working in a variety of styles, which is why I feel qualified to teach cooking. Claiming Creole heritage does not make one a skilled cajun chef any more than claiming Japanese heritage makes one a ninja. I know this, because I'm both.


Fifth: For all of her pretenses at making healthy food, she's fond of the butter and heavy cream. Her overuse of the heavy cream is a strong demarcation for the fact that she doesn't know what the hell a Bechamel *is*, much less how to build a proper roux. As a "Cajun chef" this is simply inexcusable. Gumbo and jambalaya start with a Bechamel, if oil based rather than grease based. To not know how to use one and instead rely on basically a sugarless whipped cream is not only foolish and amature, but dangerous. I presume nobody wants high cholesterol. Her food is a heart attack waiting to happen. I teach cream sauces using milk, and you can do them using skim. I can build you a fully fat free cream sauce using the recipes I've already posted, but subbing fat free butter substitutes, super skim milk, no fat cheese, whole wheat pasta. You simply follow the recipe as listed, but use healthy ingredients rather than broke people food. You'll only increase the cost by a dollar or 2. My recipes are universal, and work with whatever diet you want to follow. Throw my alfredo sauces over steamed broccoli and we're Adkins approved as well as tasty. Just use whole wheat flour for the Bechamel and low fat variants of my ingredients.

Sixth: She hates measuring but claims to try to teach new chefs. I'll give you guys a vague "until it's a good texture" but I leave that up to you. I assume you've had a tomato cream sauce, and know when it looks ok and not watery. Creamy but not solid. That's a faith I'll place in my reader. She says shit like "use any herb you have onhand" and "I think measuring stifles a cook", while pretending to teach new chefs. I'll come out and say it, that's hypocrisy. You can't eyeball if you have no frame of reference. I tell you to try my recipe, then play with it and expand on it. Find your own style. But I give you concrete recipes to work with to start. The woman can't bake because it involves measuring and she's crap at remembering what she just cooked. Moral of the story is if I made you a dish once, I could recreate it perfectly, from memory. Her hatred of recipes means she's inconsistent, at best, and nothing will taste the same twice. In the world of food, this is a cardinal sin. If you like a dish I've made, and the next time I was too heavy handed with the cumin, I've made a different dish. Would you go to a restaurant that you couldn't trust the consistency of the meals? If a chef decided to add a bit of extra spice that wasn't there the last time? Or do you prefer a restaurant that is always good, because they're following a set plan? I eyeball spices based on the size of the dish I'm making, but I'm sure many of my readers who've had my food will attest that my cuisine is consistent to a fault. When I experiment with a dish, I do so in my free time, and I warn people of this. "A few swirls around the pan" is not a fucking measure. Half a palm of herbs, to Shaq, would kill any dish.

Not to mention her complete inability to understand how to cook with alcohol, the fact that she doesn't do a simple wikipedia search for the proper name for her dishes, and the fact that she has no professional training.... yeah. Do not listen to this woman.

For the record, I don't envy her money and I don't give a shit about her fame. She makes money and fame by teaching terrible cooking habits to a new generation of craptastic chefs that should be watching Emeril or Bobby Flay. I wouldn't want that money, since she's contributing to the lardass America. I've made good money in the field, and I truly enjoy cooking, so I don't feel that my talents are going to waste. There is no envy in this post, only disgust.

If you appreciate my tips, at all, do yourself a favor. Do not take her recipes seriously. I don't watch the show, so I won't comment on her on-air personality. But her recipes are bland, uninspired, and potentially hazardous.

Before you point out, as I would, that she won an iron chef showdown, I'll point out that she was working with Mario freaking Batali, who's a genius. A blind retard could win with him in their corner, and for someone who espouses the 30 minute meal she was sure freaked out at an hour spread, even with a kitchen full of sous chefs.

This just flew out today, I had it a little while ago, and I feel the urge to share it. Afterward, I'm going to move away from the cream sauce style cooking for a little while, since I think I've covered all of the basics after this point.

The cooking secret I'm going to impart today is a pretty fun one. You can use meat as part of the oils for the bechamel. You'll have to really kinda feel out how much fat or grease your meat is going to put out, there's no tried and true rule, but as you get used to working with different types of meat you'll find yourself automatically compensating for the extra fat. This is also a primer to the last step of working with a cream sauce we'll cover for a while, until I decide to go all thai cuisine on you all. Tomato cream sauces. If you want to make a basic tomato cream sauce, take out 1 tblsp of flour, and the meat. simple?

ingredients:
1 tsp chopped garlic, oregano, basil, thyme, crushed red peppers
1/2 tsp chipotle pepper (I like the smoky flavor, but you can sub cayenne if you wish), and paprika
about 1/2 lb hot italian sausage. Patties are preferable, but you can also pull the skin off of the links if you wish
2 tblsp butter
3 tblsp flour
3 cups milk
1 small can tomato paste
about 1/4 c powdered romano cheese
optional: about 1/8 c chopped mozzarella

Ok, so what you're going to do is take the sausage and put it in the pan on medium heat. Break it up into bite sized pieces as it begins to cook. once it's broken up a good bit, add the butter and all of the herbs but the basil and oregano. Melt the butter. Add the flour. Cook for about 4 minutes or so (noticing a pattern here?) and add all of the milk, basil, oregano. Cook for another 4-5 minutes, stirring pretty frequently, making sure the flour is well mixed. The sauce will be thin, but a pleasing orange. Add the tomato paste and break down until it's fully mixed. slowly add the romano and mix, and cook for another few minutes. The sauce should be pretty darn thick after like 5 minutes. If not, melt in a bit more cheese. As for the optional part, use the mozzarella as well as the 1/4 c. Melt it FULLY. It adds subtle depth to the dish, but isn't needed. Once it's a good texture, serve it over either a filled pasta (I recommend against beef ravioli. It'll clash. Spinach tortellini would be a nice surprising flavor bomb, but cheese is probably the best.) or a thicker hearty pasta like penne or ziti.

If you want to jump this dish up from tasty to insane, right as you begin to finish the sauce fire up the oven to about 450-500. Grab an oven safe (single serving) dish and mix this with some pasta, being thick with the sauce and undercooking the pasta by about a minute or 2. Throw some shredded mozzarella on top of the dish, and bake it until the mozzarella is fully melted and the edges of the cheese are a nice golden brown. Should be like 5 minutes. Pull it out, and sprinkle some parsley on top of it. Seriously, you have no idea how tasty this really is.

And now, we're going to move onto slightly lighter food. I think I've covered the cream sauce to it's fullest, and barring any random experiments I have with favorable results, I'll change the style of my recipes for a little while.

Ok, guys. Simple tip. It's vaguely tied into my last post. I want you to all do me a favor, right now. Go to your pantry. I want you to take all of your special oils, garlic oil and rosemary oil etc.... and throw them out of your window. Go ahead, I'll wait.















There, now wasn't that satisfying? What? You hit the neighbor?

I will make you all this vow, right now, that if I hear any of my readers went out and bought some expensive flavored oil (and I'm not talking stuff like sesame oil that's made from the plant, I'm talking about the stuff that's flavored like it) I will personally come over to your house and spill my yummy taco innards all over your freaking couch. Seriously, cut it out. Instead, what you do is this.

Take some very mild oil, like an extra virgin olive or a canola oil. Grab a head of garlic. peel it, throw it in the food processor and give it a decent coarse chop. you want big pieces. Take a separate container or bottle (DAMMIT! I should have had you throw the hoity toity oils down the sink and save the bottle. Live and learn.) and put the oil in it, then add the garlic. Put a cap on it, and stick it in your cupboard for a few weeks. use, but be sure to keep the garlic in the bottle (use a fork when you're pouring it or something.) and as it starts to deplete, replace the oil. If you notice the taste or smell diminishing, add more garlic. You can do the same with strips of peppers, or just about any vegetable you've ever heard of having an oil flavored like. The oil's a remarkable preservative, so this method will make oils that last for months and months, with WAY better flavor than the pre-bottled stuff.

For herbed oils it's even easier. My favorite is a basil rosemary oil. I use extra virgin olive oil and add a big helping of fresh basil and rosemary. When you pour it, pull the sticks out of where you poured it and put them back in the bottle.

Using this technique it's possible to replicate really REALLY expensive oils for a fraction of the price. My basil rosemary oil takes a few weeks to properly season, but when you do get them fully cultured they'll blow any pre-made oils out of the water.

Seriously, what the hell. 60 bucks for a flavored oil gift set?!? Granted, counting s+h, but still! You can make this at home for maybe 15 bucks, if you buy the extra virgin olive oil in bulk. Infuse the oil for a month or 2, pour it through a strainer into a new container (paint or print the labels yourself for extra fun) and voila. Herb infused oil.

Another request. This one is an interesting question. I have a friend that's moving to her own place in a few months, and is starting basically from scratch with regard to food. So, the question was put forth. "Mister freaky taco man, what kind of food do you think every kitchen should always have on hand?"

Obviously one could go back and forth about this for a lifetime. I'm omitting the meats and pastas and such, and just going with the things that I use on a very frequent basis, and always try to keep on hand. I'd love suggestions on things to add to this, but it's basically my default list that I tend to follow. Note: I left out stuff like teriyaki sauce. Everything on this list is an ingredient to something, not a full base in it's own right. Obviously play around with what kinds of sauces etc... you keep on hand.

• basil
• oregano
• thyme
• parsley
• rosemary
• crushed red pepper
• cayenne pepper
• paprika
• onion powder
• garlic powder
• fresh ground black pepper
• kosher sea salt
• seasoned salt
• chili powder
• pumpkin pie spice (because I use it just about every time cinnamon is called for. Really, any time cinnamon can be used you can never go wrong with a bit of nutmeg and clove)
• a jar of pre-chopped garlic
• 2 types of mustard, yellow and dijon
• worchestershire sauce
• ketchup
• mayo (I tend toward miracle whip, but if you decide to make your own more power to you)
• extra virgin olive oil
• vegetable oil
• flour
• butter
• milk
• eggs
• 3 kinds of boullion: beef, vegetable, chicken
• at least 4 small cans of tomato paste
• parmesan cheese powder
• romano cheese powder
• bread (I prefer potato bread, the reason for this one actually being on here will be explained in a bit)

With the glaring omission of seasoned salt (I've got a weakness) I'd fully and whole heartedly suggest staying away from pre-mixed spice blends unless you REALLY know what you're doing. Unless it's from Penzey's (and sometimes even then) they are VERY high in sodium. Terrible for you. Mixing them is even worse, it's a crutch for a lack of cooking skill. You should always know exactly what is in the food you're cooking, beyond "a bit of cajun seasoning, a bit of jerk chicken seasoning, and some barbecue mix". Most of them share common ingredients anyway, so you're better off just finding out what's in them and making your own blends. Your heart will thank you, and you'll find your cooking to improve immensely. I personally like to keep small containers of pre-mixed home-made spice blends in my pantry. I never include salt, because as with most things it's easier to put in than take out, and I'd rather fine tune the sodium content myself. The only exception I ever keep to this rule is if you're using just one, and it's a high quality, like again from Penzey's. A good rule of thumb around the kitchen is always know the difference between a shortcut and a bad habit.

Now, explanations for some of the stuff that's on there. Ketchup, mustard, mayo, worchestershire can be mixed as one of thousands of recipes. Egg salad, pulled pork, meat loaf, there are a lot of things you'll pull use out of them for on a regular basis. As for the bread? This one won't make sense until you price a container of bread crumbs, then a loaf of bread, and consider how frequently you use bread crumbs. Toast the crap out of a few pieces of bread, put in a blender/food processor, bag to hit with a hammer. Toss in some oregano, basil, onion powder, garlic powder. Mix/beat the hell out of. You just saved a bunch of money on bread crumbs, and if you don't need bread crumbs you can always use the bread for it's other intended purposes. Hell, you can do it in a toaster oven if you want, if you're using the oven/worried about gas bills. I haven't bought bread crumbs in years. I suggest against wheat, if possible. It doesn't get as crisp as white or potato bread, so the crumbs have a strange texture to them.

As many of you probably heard, I've been trying out this vegetarian thing for about a month and a half now. Not really out of any insane life altering goals or morals or anything, just to see what it was like. I'm all about expanding culinary boundaries and living outside of my comfortable space when it comes to food, so being the good non-christian that I am, I gave up meat for lent. It lasted a bit longer than that, but I've discovered a very interesting fact.

Pittsburgh hates vegetarians.

Now, before you say "Wait, you saucy taco you, my town is bad for vegetarians too. Come on, wouldn't you say "hate" is a pretty strong word?" I'd like to point out a few things. We'll make it a list.

*Things Pittsburgh needs to understand about vegetarians*

1: I DID NOT BECOME A VEGETARIAN TO EAT NOTHING BUT SALAD. Seriously, guys. About 3/4ths of the restaraunts I've been to recently, especially the pub style ones (and I know, expect nothing at a pub but a burger and some beer), don't even pretend to offer alternatives. I'm only doing this for fun, but if I were a bit more gung ho? I'd be rather irritated by this. And invariably everyone's response at this complaint is exactly the same. "Why don't you have a salad?" Now, have you ever tried to exist entirely on salad alone? Granted, you could probably pass a small child through your digestive tract, but healthy? Maybe if more restaurants in this city offered more variety than "iceberg lettuce with a tiny sprinkle of some other stuff" I might agree with that, but I honestly think you burn more nutrition eating iceberg lettuce than you gain from it.


2: VEGGIE BURGER IS NOT A JOKE. However, I'm glad my question amuses you, mister waiter. I've had this happen an alarming amount of times. I'll look around and see that the vegetarian alternative is "get the chicken salad and ask for no chicken" or "I think we can take the burger off and you can eat just the bun and the lettuce". I, in my innocence, figure what the hell. The question comes out. "I don't see a lot of vegetarian options here, do you have a veggie burger?" You'd think I just asked the waiter for a threesome with his girlfriend. The look of shock and dismay and mild amusement I usually draw from this... I now know what it feels like to be carrot top's face.


3: MALES ARE ALLOWED TO BE VEGETARIANS TOO. More often than not I have people either raise an eyebrow like I just told them I like to have sex with dead puppies when I mention my dietary restrictions, or outright question my manhood. Like somehow when I stopped eating steak my testicles fell off and I grew breasts, or something. That disturbing mental picture aside, come on. I'd expect this kind of behavior out of yinzers, but when 1/2 of my circle of friends is some form of veggie? I'd imagine the rest of them would be a bit more understanding. Besides A study came out linking eating meat to impotence so I'd be careful tossing around dick jokes next time.


4: STOP TRYING TO CONVERT ME. This gets me every time. I'll mention I'm a vegetarian, in passing and usually at a restaraunt, and people will either try to tell me how unhealthy I am being (Because I didn't research. Thanks, guys.) or how crazy I am because meat is OHMYGODSOGOOD! I've got a little secret.... Vegetarians aren't usually born that way. We know what steak tastes like. We don't need you to tell us. There is one exception to this, though. I've perpetrated it myself a few times. A secret vegetarians don't want to get out is this: All of them, secretly, miss bacon. Bacon should be re-classified as a vegetable. So, my way of conversion when I was worried about a vegetarian's diet? (because having pasta as 95% of your diet is just as bad as salad) I cooked bacon every time I saw them. It's worked about 5 times already.

And always, as a rule, the people who try to convert you with words are the same ones who get up in arms when someone hands them a religious pamphlet.


5: FREAKING WARN ME IF IT'S GOT MEAT IN IT. A few of my favorite places are notorious for this. They'll make marinara and put meat in the sauce and not list it anywhere, and the counter people or waiters? they have no damn clue. This is where the distaste for veggies turns into outright hatred. Some places will lie about it, and say no. I've worked for them, I know their secrets. I'm looking at you, pizza place with the tasty damn marinara sauce. I wish I could quit you. I'm not someone that'd get uppity about a tiny bit of flavor in my food from an animal byproduct, but some people are allergic to that shit. Warnings rule.

I don't know how much longer this experiment will last, it's starting to peter out right now for the above reasons. This is, honestly, a shame. I discovered a lot of very good food from the bit of being a veggie I experienced, and some surprising combinations. If the city were a bit more friendly, I'd probably carry this on for 6 months, but I've never seen a city so hostile to the idea.

This one by request. I LOVE THIS DISH. There are 2 varieties of swedish meatballs. The dinner and the appetizer/hors d'oevres. This is the dinner. For the appetizer, cut every ingredient in half and use extra meat balls, no egg noodles. Serve them with toothpicks. These also make a great toasted meatball sandwich, suggested cheeses to melt over the meatball is a mixture of swiss and provolone. Suggested bread is a french loaf, preferably herbed.

4 tblsp butter
4 tblsp flour
3 cups milk
2 cups beef broth
1 big can cream of mushroom soup
1 small can cream of potato soup
1 cup sour cream
1 medium sized bag of egg noodles
a buncha small meatballs
1 1/2 tsp oregano, basil, parsley, paprika, onion powder, garlic powder
salt and pepper to taste

Bake the meatballs until almost done while you're doing this, and boil the water for the egg noodles. Add a single beef boullion cube to the noodle water before boiling, in lieu of salt. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. The taco's favorite cooking tricks #3: boil your pasta in herbs or a light broth. It gives the dish more depth, and adds a bit of flavor without having to risk overseasoning.

So, we're starting this (as with many of my favorite things to cook) with a Bechamel Roux. Medium low heat. Melt the butter, add the flour, toast the flour, add 2 cups of milk. Add spices and reduce, stirring well. add the cream of mushroom soup, and the beef broth. mix well until mushroom soup is fully broken down. Then, add the cream of potato soup and the sour cream. (protip: for a bit of zing, add a tsp of worchestershire sauce at this point. 1/4 cup of tomato sauce wouldn't go badly, either.) Mix and allow to cook for approximately 5 minutes or so. Thin it down a bit with milk, if you feel it's too thick.

When the meatballs are near done, let's say about 3 minutes early, toss them into the sauce and allow them to cook for another 3-5 minutes. The egg noodles should be done just about now, so toss those in after the meatballs have went for a bit. Reduce the heat to low and cook an additional 4-5 minutes, stirring occasionally, to get the flavor of the sauce into the noodles.

Serve hot.

If you want it extra-flavorful, make this the day before you want to eat it, and refridgerate it, covered, overnight. This lets the flavors meld and when you reheat it the next day you'll notice no loss in texture, but an incredible increase in taste.

Variation: mix up a mirepoix and add about 1/4 cup to the very beginning, right when the butter is melted. You may need to add a bit more water to compensate for it, at the end. This is the version I do, but the mirepoix isn't fully required.

Time to get french, and technical. This sounds complicated, but really isn't. It's the basis of every cream sauce you've ever had, for the most part, and IMO is one of the 2 most important tricks to cooking (the other being mirepoix, and combining them is even better).

The Bechamel roux is a simple recipe, but remember that it's a base. I'll give you ideas for things to do with it later.

so the ratio goes as follows:

1 tblsp butter
1 tblsp flour
2 cups milk

Preparing it works as follows:

over medium low heat, melt the butter. add the flour, and mix well. You want to cook the flour/butter mixture until it's reached the color of peanut skin, or a bit past it. The key is toasting the flour well. Whole wheat flour tastes better.

After the flour is toasted, slowly add in milk and mix until it's a creamy consistency.

There's your Bechamel roux. Now, if you were to add an extra cup of milk, slowly, and fold it in, then thicken it back up with some parmesan and romano cheeses (1-3 parmesan-romano ratio, do it until it feels thick enough) and add a bit of garlic powder, you would have just made home made alfredo, from scratch.


There's a secret many fancy places that make alfredo don't want you to know. You can make it at home at any point for less than a dollar to feed your whole family, in about 15 minutes or so. You can grill up shrimp, chicken, broccoli, red onions, chopped spinach, or one of about a million other ingredients, and fold them into the sauce or top the sauce with them. Diced tomatoes and toasted bread crumbs are another great addition, as a topping.

I linked to this in my last post, and feel the need to elaborate. Mirepoix is, like wikipedia says, the holy trinity of french cooking. However, this doesn't mean you must limit it to french cuisine. Use it as a base for a soup or sauce, and it'll give it that tiny intangible depth that makes people say "What did you put in this!?!". Mirepoix goes great in just about everything sauce based. It'll put extra flavor in your alfredo, spice up any soup, and it's that secret flavor in most pasta sauces you've ever said "damn, I want this recipe" about.

The formula is simple. 2 parts onion to 1 part celery, 1 part carrot. I favor baby carrot, since it's sweeter. Mince the hell out of them until they're almost a paste, or cuisinart them to a gel for extra win.

For most recipes, the golden rule is 1 tsp of mirepoix to 1 cup of water/milk/meat broth. Fiddle with it to taste, as always.

When I'm feeling particularly culinary, I keep a bulk amount of it in my fridge or freezer and pull it out and toss it in just about every soup or sauce I make. Freezing mirepoix will make it last forever and a day, so you can prepare it and pull it out as you need it.

Protip: add a tiny bit of it to ramen noodles. No matter what the flavor. If you toss this in the water, let it boil before you toss in the noodles, use the water for the broth, and cut out about 1/3rd of the flavor packet, the results will surprise the hell out of you. The noodles will be slightly seasoned and the broth will take on a dimension you'd never expect to pull out of ramen. It's particularly tasty in the varieties listed:

• Chicken
• Beef
• Roasted Chicken
• Shrimp
• Mushroom
• Oriental

As always, if you find an innovative use for this, please let me know.

This is the part where I find something relatively cheap and give you my impression of it. I've got a chicken and corn chowder recipe which is vaguely famous, so when I say that this is the best corn chowder I've ever had, that is a statement and a half. I *hate* canned food. I detest pre-made stuff and I absolutely *have* to tinker with it.

There was nothing I could have done to improve this. It tasted like Wolfgang Puck himself came over and cooked it for me. It's a combination of corn, vegetable broth, potatoes, carrots, a touch of cellery, butter, cream, and spices. The base was understated, and obviously had a very well crafted mirepoix base. Often times with canned soups when they even try to not use "vegetable flavoring base" and actually go with the real deal, it's a culinary trainwreck. This was subtle, well layered, and solidly prepared.

The vegetables were well mixed and perfectly proportioned to the broth. It didn't overwhelm with corn, and had a good bit of texture to each bite. My only small nit pick was that it was a tiny bit thin for a corn chowder, but hell. It worked here.

The best part? It cost me 2.50 at my local organic grocer. For food this good, that's a hell of a deal. Usually I don't much care if something's organic or not, but I'm becoming a convert to organic canned soups. On the whole they have less or no preservatives, and the difference in taste is astonishing.

I'd recommend looking into more of Puck's recipes. I'm doing so, right now, and I think Emeril might have some competition as my favorite cook.

I've decided I want to make a cooking show. It'll be called "Cooking With Sparky" and the main character will be a 3 toothed homeless man with incredible skills of cooking over a metal can filled with burning paper. He could teach you how to make eggs in a bean can, all the while screaming about how the government is beaming thoughts into his head with giant radio towers, and how the radio waves make his penis not work.


Even better, we could swap out which hobo it is every week. They'd get paid well, be off the streets for a bit, and we'd have the best thing since iron chef.

This is a simple post. The secret to fresh herbs is easy. Use 1/2 of what I suggest and give them a fine chop.

If the herbs start to wilt, fire up the oven to the lowest temp you can find.

bake them for about 20 minutes and throw them in a cuisinart. Again, a stone will help. Put them on a shelf and use them as you will. If you have the patience to grow them yourself, you'll taste the difference. Your home grown food doesn't need pesticides. You will taste the clean.

So my mission for this blog is to make recipes that someone on a bachelor's salary, and mindset, could make. College kid with an apartment. I'm trying to include a cooking secret in every post. Some may fall short of this. This post is one of those. There is no deep secret here, just damn good cooking. Each of these will cost you about .25 - .50 cents not counting toppings. Pepperoni is a negligible cost for the amount you get. I'll suggest toppings later, for the full blown pizzas, but expect another quarter for the exotic stuff. This is great party food. Make them build their own and set a timer to remove them. You'll fit at least 6 in an average oven if you don't use a stone.

Ingredients:
pitas (as many as you need. I buy bulk.)
shredded mozarella or italian blend cheese
my pizza sauce
toppings to taste

This one? easy. Take a bit of aluminium foil, and assemble the beast on it. If you have a pizza stone, more power to you. I think everyone should. I live by mine, and it was 10 bucks. If you do, cook directly on it, and ignore the aluminium directions. If you don't? Put the aluminium directly on the rack and buy a pizza stone. You'll thank me later. It makes all baked goods better.

Bottom oven rack, for crispness. Preheat oven to 425. wait 10 minutes. Put sauce on pita, cheese on pita, topping on pita. Because of the fast cook time, you'll want to pre-cook or defrost veggies. cheese first, toppings second. Sauce the pita and top/cheese it to within a centimeter or 2 of the crust. CLOSE. You don't want too much of a crust on this since it's a mini pizza. Normally I advocate the opposite, toppings under the cheese, but this is really REALLY quick. Throw the pizza on the aluminium and bake for 5 minutes, preferably rotating once for even heating. Warning: depending on the oven, sometimes it's 4 minutes. This cooks FAST. You want a firm, crisp undercrust. Use a spatula to remove, and pull it onto cardboard, if you don't have a pizza paddle.

Cut, eat, enjoy. You'll get a crispy thin crust home-made pizza that blows any frozen crap out of the water, and for as cheap as it is it's a great dish to impress a date or appease roommates. Want something different on your pizza? We all do. Now it's cheap and easy to do.

Many local pizza joints use conveyors, which do not have stones in them, so the quality you can get out of this (unless you're in cali, or the belt between chicago and ny) is probably at least equal to local places. Most likely, you'll beat out a local place. Hardcore.

If you disagree with the texture and find it too soft, brush the pita with oil before saucing and cook as directed. If it's too hard, brush it with melted butter and cut out a minute from the cook time. For a really soft pizza, cut the temp to 400 and increase the cook time to "when I think it looks done". I go for about 7 minutes in that case.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NEVER TRY TO STUFF THE PITA WITH PIZZA MIXINGS. I promise you, your oven will hate you for it. It's not a good idea. I could teach you how to make food glue to seal the thing (flour and water?), but in the end the result is nasty and leaky and not worth the effort.